• this world is not my home

Even when we love a place, there are often things that are not so easily lovable in that place.

From Morocco, I will not miss the corruption and bribery.

Today was an especially bad day, and I'm feeling frustrated. That is what brings this up. Even so, this is a common experience, and even more common for locals than it is for foreigners living here. For example, it is now mid-day, and here is what I have experienced.

My Moroccan friend's brother arrived last night from his home in a country in Europe. The customs officials at the airport stopped him. While detained, they asked him what he brought for them from Europe. Granted, he only gave them a pack or two of cigarettes, but that is not the point. That he should be asked at all irritates me.

I then went to my accountant's office. I am in the process of closing a business and I received a letter from the national tax office requesting some forms. I confirmed that we had already sent in those forms, and we definitely had. So...this was another subtle attempt to intimidate me into paying for someone's coffee. Again, the amount is trivial, it is the fact that paying it is expected that irritates me.

Finally, I went to the post office to pick up a package from family with some birthday gifts for my kids. I ended up paying nearly 40% of the price of the items in taxes. Now, I wouldn't mind if I knew this was to be expected, but it is not a consistent occurrence. Sometimes I receive similar boxes and pay nothing, other times I am expected to pay nearly 80% of the items estimated value. The amount we pay on this ranges from trivial to extreme. Here, I am irritated because you cannot predict what will happen, or when and I have actually requested that people not mail things to us anymore because of this, but how do you refuse the love of a grandmother?

In the past, as I mentioned in my book, I have been stopped and asked for money by policemen while I was driving. I have had government officials force me to pay them extra to fill out forms that are a part of their standard duties. I have spent time running from place to place to get extra, not-typically-required documentation from offices when I have refused to pay bribes...sorry, tips or coffee money.

I won't miss this part of Morocco.

[Note:]This post is a "ramble." If you only want to read the essentials, that would be the first 2 and last 3 paragraphs. There. I warned you.

My family moved to the U.S. from India when I was in 4th grade. Since then, I've been back a few times to visit extended family. Initially, it felt good to return there...stepping on the same ground as I had when I was just a child brought back a lot of memories, and it was a warm place to be -- in more ways than one . However, as I developed intellectually, and grew away from the culture, certain things have started to bother me, and I can certainly say that I don't miss them.

The social walls. We fret about such "bubbles" in American culture, but oh boy...you haven't seen true conservatism in action until you've lived in a place like India. The first bubble is that of childhood. Children are isolated and protected (or made to be ignorant, if you prefer to be blunt about it) in almost every way. Academic curriculum is an absolute that over-rules any other protocol, and thinking outside of that curriculum (or in a different way) is discouraged and punished.  Education is more like a competition of dignity against your peers and their families than an attempt at obtaining knowledge.

Sexual subjects are ignored -- children in 7th or 8th grade wouldn't know what the act of sex was. Some people shrug this off, but the social implications are horrendous, especially on the men. When you consider how hard it is for conventional men in American culture to form complex emotional bonds, consider that it's even harder for men in Indian culture. The majority of their adolescent social exposure is to other males of the same social and economic class. Their maturation in respect to things like sexual relationships, responsible drug usage, is greatly hindered.

The second bubble surrounds social status. While the romanticized caste system isn't formally present, it still very much plays a part in the social workings of society. I recall a time from early childhood, when I'd met this wonderful girl. Though I've no memory of what she looked like, I remember her eager friendliness and joy in having sometime to spend time with. She was from an extremely poor family; she owned maybe 3 or 4 sets of clothes, all ragged enough that the homeless in American culture would think twice about wearing them. She would only wear one set on a regular basis; the others were "too nice." But, she was nice, and she loved dogs.

Her poverty ironically gave her enough freedom that she was able to travel much further from home than I was ever allowed, and she was friendly with many families in the area that she worked for and talked to. She had a habit of constantly suprising me with actions that went against all the stereotypes I was taught to attribute to her, especially when it came to her kindness; one afternoon, when I told her that my parents wouldn't let me have any pets, and that I really wanted a dog, she said with a smile "I know where you can meet some." She led us on a walk, outside the dull familiarity of my neighborhood, and we visited all the families she had worked for that owned a pet dog.

I must have met 20 or 30 different dogs that day, and I was so, so happy. It, without a doubt, is the supremely best memory I have from my childhood. By the time we got back home, it was late. It was past 9, much later than I was allowed to be out. When I reached my house, my mother was absolutely livid. She asked me where I'd been. Foolishly, still floating on the high of my great day, I told her. Her anger, inexplicable in my eyes, rose even higher. She locked me outside the house and told me that if I wanted to stay out so late with "those kinds of people", I could spend the night outside as well. I cried, outside the door, for almost an hour; it wasn't until a neighbor walked over and complained that I was let back inside.

My mother, though calmer than before, was hardly any more rational, and harshly chastized me. Of course, I was expressly forbidden to ever talk or even look at that girl again, whose name I can't even recall now. I'd spent a whole day holding hands with this incredible person, who brought me a plethora of new experiences, but she was "bad." My mother must have also gone and complained to that girl's parents (whom I never had the chance to meet), because I only ever saw her again from a distance. She never approached or talked to me again, and we moved soon after. The caste system in India has a perfect representation in America's social structure (untouchables == homeless bums), but it's important to note that it is much more extreme. Children there are raised to compete and be agressive with people of their own social class, but the ones in poverty don't deserve so much as a passing thought.

The third bubble...is that of sexuality. The root of it is the veil of "taboo" that is publicly placed over sexuality. The westernized myth of the Kama Sutra is just that. Certainly, couples will enjoy the pleasures of sex in their private life, but it is far from the exotic picture that is often painted by western cultures; things outside the realm of "vanilla" intercourse are frowned upon even in private life. Public discussion of issues pertaining to sexuality? Hard to find. Public displays of affection? Rarer yet. So-called "alternative" lifestyles? Ignored to the point that they're often considered non-existant. Forget about recognition of same-sex couples, homosexuality is still legally criminal; though that law hasn't been officially enforced for quite some time, its presence still has a large effect.

There's so much more, but those are the significant walls, the ones that have the greatest impact on everyday life. When it comes down to it, these are bubbles of conservatism. They all reflect the general resistance to change, and of all the different cultures I've seen and read about, these seem to have been the most effective at maintaining status quo. Don't interpret this as an advocacy for liberalism and change; that would be a personal and political view. This is an advocacy for the youth, most notably fueled by the conflicts they created in me as a child. The suppressive, destructive, and iron clad control over the middle and upper class youth (the ones responsible for the future of the society) is something I can't ever forgive. I definitely won't miss this part of my old culture.

Also, I have to note that what I wrote about the caste system dealt with two polar statuses (the upper middle class and the poverty-stricken). There are in-betweens, and marrying into, or consorting with families lower in status than you is generally acceptable now. But the lowest are still the lowest, and they're still untouchable.

I'd actually meant to talk about a bunch of other things as well, but I ended up rambling about the "bubbles," and I wrote way more than I intended (or had the time for). I'll save the rest of my anguishes for another post, on another day. I apologize if anyone felt obligated to read it all, but sometimes we just can't help ourselves

Actually, that was engaging and interesting. No apology necessary, in fact, the opposite it true. Thank you for writing and sharing it with us.

Wow, maniacmusician, that was a great post!