• this world is not my home

I have a friend in Morocco that is Moroccan.  We call each other, we grab something to eat, we hang out, we're just good friends.  I want to continue this friendship but every time we try to find a time that works for both of us, I get the impression that something just went wrong and now he is not content with our friendship.  This could just be a culture clash.

Maybe I'm just looking in to it too much, but I want to know what worked well for you in sustaining friendships cross-culturally. 

I'll start with something general.

Be yourself and no one else.

This is somewhat hard, considering the vast, vast differences from culture to culture. This is especially evident in their approachability; the standards for how closely you act, what you can talk about, appropriate activities are some things that are extremely variable. Consequently, advice in this vein ends up being very general, such as your example. However, after giving it a bit of thought, this is what I could come up with; Be passionate and compassionate.

When considering cross cultural relationships, you have to consider the few things you have in common, and strengthen your bonds over those. If you're both passionate about technology, traveling, eating, government reform, whatever -- it helps to show that passion, and to actively involve them in it. The key is really to be passionate together.

Compassion can be thought of similarly, when you consider it specifically in relation to their issues. What are some things that your friend has to do and deal with that you don't, in your culture? Be especially thoughtful of subtle differences in everyday life that can cumulatively amount to a very different experience and perception for your friend. I don't know anything about Moroccan culture, but these could be things ranging from emotional stress (struggling with how to discipline your child the first time he acts out) to fleeting amusements (joking and laughing about formalities they had to go through at work).

That is great information.  Thank you very much.  When I see him next these things will be running through my head.  Thanks!

My pleasure...although I'm a lifetime student of social psychology, almost all of my mature cultural exposure has been to American culture. I'm sure that people like Matthew who've sustained long-term cross-cultural relationships will have more concrete and practiced tips. I'm actually immensely curious as to what replies the people of this forum will provide -- my main cross-cultural experience was moving to the U.S. when I was younger. I'm not sure how I would handle a serious cross-cultural relationship after being so thoroughly grounded in one culture, as I am now.

A culture is so much more than just social interactions; it's technology, food, consumerism, etc. All those things make it that much scarier to think about abandoning my current comforts. So, I really want to see how other people deal with at least this social aspect of it. I'm hoping to be surprised...

It can be difficult to discern motives in friendship, especially across cultures. Some (most?) people are interested in a genuine friendship with no strings attached. Others, however, are friendly and enjoyable to be around, but are most interested in cultivating a relationship for some other perceived potential benefit; learning language better, future business prospects, or maybe looking for a way to immigrate.

Without being in the same room, and perhaps even if I were there, I can't comment specifically on this situation with your friend. It could be that he is expressing something different from what you are perceiving as disappointment...or that he is looking for something from you and not finding it.

Either way, your best bet is to always be real, honest, kind and gentle. If there are any false pretenses in the relationship (on the other end), they will reveal themselves eventually. If not, then the misunderstandings will be worked through eventually. We are all happy to forgive people who make cross cultural mistakes with good intentions.

The more I talk to my friend, I'm getting the impression that he wants to be my friend, but not in a "no strings attached" way. 


I think that I am the one who is experiencing the disappointment because I want a genuine friendship, and from what I gather, he wants someone to be his friend, but an American friend, who has American single women friends, who speak english.  Also, I speak American English with all the slang that he is not able to get in his graduate studies (which is taught in English.)  So I think there is more the the problem than I thought.  I don't think it's just a cross-cultural problem, I think it's expectations, on my part, for a genuine friendship with no strings attached, that are making the frustrations.  Any thoughts?

That is really hard. The answer depends a lot on you and what you want or can handle emotionally. If every time you spend time with the guy you end up feeling used, that will be a problem.

If you can take the relationship for what it seems to be, a nice way to spend some time and learn a bit from one another, it may be okay.

In any case, you may end up having to look elsewhere for a "no strings attached" sort of relationship. Those can be hard to find anywhere in the world, and they usually arrive when you are not looking for or expecting them.

This is a great idea.  Thanks.  I think the relationship will be more beneficial than I think it will be.  This is me trying to be an optimist. 

Hang in there. Sometimes people are after something, sometimes they are just real, open people. Most often, we are all a mixture of the two. Try to be kind and friendly and open and all will end up okay.